What we have
by Cindy Ryan
Summary: Sheppard/Keller. Sometimes it takes a breakup to make you realize how lucky you are


Someone once asked me why John calls Jennifer angel....forgive me I've forgotten who asked me but you'll get your answer at the end of this fic. :)

Title: What we have  
Author: Cindy Ryan  
Pairings: Sheppard/Keller  
Timeline: Early in their relationship set between "Only one Us" and "Downtime"  
Summary: Sometimes a breakup makes you realize how lucky you are  
Notes: Dedicated to anybody who's ever had a broken heart or a crush not returned

Fighting tears Jennifer Keller walked towards the south pier. Grateful that nobody came out this far she certainly didn't want to run into anyone now.  
Not with the mess she was.

A hiccupped sob broke through and the rest of the tears quickly followed. Jennifer paused a block from the pier not being able to see any longer She slid down against a crumbling wall facing the water.

It was early afternoon on a Thursday.  
What should've been a normal day turned horrible over lunch.  
Thankfully the infirmary had been slow and she'd been able to turn most of the primary things over to Marie for a few hours.

_John._

The name worked its way into her thoughts and Jennifer cringed. She was angry at herself for getting so upset.  
They'd only been seeing each other a few months.  
He was after all John Sheppard.  
Handsome flyboy who could have any woman on Atlantis.

The tears slowing for the moment Jennifer pulled her knees up to her chest.

Their lunch that day had really been the first alone time they'd had in weeks.  
Either he was off world or she was.  
Either he was swamped with Colonel stuff or she with CMO duties.

Every day they were both on Atlantis they'd managed to at least call each other over the com.  
Just to say Hi and I love you.  
Just to let the other know they were thought of.

Jennifer glanced down at the simple silver bracelet John had given her on her birthday two weeks previous.  
Things had been so good then….so perfect.  
It looked like maybe, just maybe she might have a shot at a serious forever kind of relationship.  
She should've known better.  
Her bad luck didn't start and end with off world missions it had flowed over to relationships as well.

As she looked out at the water Jennifer still couldn't figure out what had gone wrong.

John's words from earlier that day echoed through her thoughts.

_"Jen, I….we should take a break from each other."_

She'd asked him to clarify what exactly that meant.  
Did that mean no sleeping together?  
No more movie nights?  
Only professional contact when required?

He'd reached for her hand across the table and she'd pulled back.

_"I care about you, angel…..I'm just bad at this…..I don't want to hurt you….cut our losses now and move on._

Jennifer had left the Mess's balcony before he'd had a chance to say another word. Her heart dropping like a lead weight.

Standing Jennifer moved towards the railing and leaned against it. The tears came again and she let them flow.  
She should've known better than to give her heart to some one like John Sheppard.  
Especially when she'd heard the rumors…..knew his reputation.

But she couldn't help but think of the kind, gentle, loving man that had held her at night.  
That had left her favorite candy on her desk when she'd pulled a double shift.  
The man that had made sure Evan had tracked her down one day that she'd worked so many hours she'd forgot to eat.

Wiping the tears away Jennifer watched a school of brightly colored fish swim by.  
She had to pull herself together.  
She had an infirmary to run.  
Patients to take care of.  
Some how she had to figure out how to work with John.  
To see him every day.  
To not worry about him when he went off world.  
Jennifer didn't think she was strong enough.

"Jennifer."A familiar voice called startling her.

She'd been so lost in thought she hadn't heard anybody approach. Turning Jennifer felt her heart break once more.

She met John's gaze briefly before looking back at the water.

"Please….go."

"Marie was looking for you….didn't you hear the com?"John asked as he stepped forward.

Jennifer reached up and touched the ear piece. "No, I'll call her back. Thank you for relaying the message. I'm sure you have better things to do."

"Ang….Jenn….."

"John, you made yourself clear earlier."

Seeing her now, being near her John realized how wrong he'd been. How cold his world had felt the instant she'd left.

John reached for Jennifer's right arm but she shrank back folding her arms across her chest. He winced inwardly he deserved that.

"I was wrong….very wrong."Sheppard began quietly. "I miss us….I thought I was protecting you by ending it."

"Protecting me from what?"

John met her gaze. "Me and all the demons that come with. I've made a lot of mistakes over the years….with women especially….my marriage never really had a chance from the start. And being out here in Pegasus….."

"I scared you."Jennifer finished.

"No…..its just I haven't felt this way for somebody in a long time."John stated as he lightly touched Jennifer's right cheek. "With us doing missions together….the thought of me having to leave you behind….or of you getting hurt under my watch….that scared me."

Jennifer's gaze softened as she saw the real worry and concern in his eyes as they changed from green to brown. "If we were on Earth the risks are similar…its part of life. We only control the present….."

"Angel are you telling me to enjoy the moment and let the future take care of itself?"

"Something like that."Jennifer replied with a smile. "We live on a wing and a prayer, remember?"

"Especially these days."John stated softly. "Will you forgive a stupid fool? I love you and I'm sorry."

Jennifer melted as she always did under his gaze in his arms. Part of her wanted to have him grovel for a bit longer….but he did apologize.

"Yes, on one condition."

"Name it."

"Even if we don't physically see each other every day we make some kind of contact. Leave a note, present……"

"Deal."John whispered as he leaned in and captured her lips with his.

Jennifer wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close. Even though they'd only been broken up a short time the sense of loss had been palpable.  
She hadn't realized how much a part of her he'd become until he wasn't there.

When they finally broke apart Jennifer leaned back against the railing linking their right hands together.

"What are you thinking?"John asked as he rubbed a thumb over her knuckles.

Jennifer looked down at their entwined hands. "I realized you never told me…."

"Never told you what?"

"Why you call me angel."

John smiled. "I thought you knew."

Jennifer met his gaze and shook her head. "No."

John squeezed her hand. "It's not because you're a doctor if that's what you're thinking."

Jennifer raised an eyebrow and waited.

Pulling away John stood in front of her and gently cupped Jennifer's face with his hands. "The last few years…..have been good and bad…..I've lost a lot of people….friends. I was starting to distance myself from everyone even my team….especially after we lost Elizabeth."John paused a moment to collect his thoughts praying his words were coming out the right way. "I call you angel…..because you keep me sane….keep me together. I'll never be able to repay you for that."

Feeling the tears start again Jennifer kissed him. She'd never heard anything more beautiful.

Certainly not said to her.

"I love you."Jennifer whispered as they broke apart and she rested her head against his chest.

"I love you too, angel."John replied tenderly as they looked out at the water.

John wrapped his arms tighter around Jennifer knowing that he'd almost lost something precious.  
He was damn lucky she'd forgiven him.  
If it took the rest of his days he'd find a way to thank her every day.

end


End file.
